


With The Eyes Of A Child

by wingless



Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comfort, Doomed Relationship, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Love, Married Couple, Pre-Canon, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:52:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingless/pseuds/wingless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You were right, you know," he tells her, a short time later. "You're so much stronger than me."</p><p>"I never doubted it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	With The Eyes Of A Child

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the Drama CDs about Kiritsugu and Irisviel's first meeting. Title comes from the lyrics of the anime's second ending song. (So, technically this is pre-canon...? Not 100% sure how much it counts.)

He insisted that they have no future. They both saw their own end and the time of its arrival coming so clearly; for Irisviel, it has been decided for her the moment she was born, ingrained in her purpose. And perhaps Kiritsugu's end wasn't as certain, as absolute- but it didn't matter. To him it might as well have been, because Kiritsugu was a man of certainties and hundred percent probabilities and cold, hard, absolute facts. He did not enter that castle, join the Einzberns, expecting that he'll make it out alive out of the mission he was going to undertake for them, personally experience the world he'll use their help to create. 

But Irisviel, she was doomed, in all respects, no matter how you looked at it. She'd walk straight into a dead end no matter what path she'd chose, and a way out for her out of her fate didn't exist, and honestly she was worse off than he was, in all respects. She wasn't created with the idea that she might possibly survive past the war in mind. Despite how set he was on his own fate, even Kiritsugu he understood that a possibility existed for him that did not for her. 

That, he explained, through different wording but with that meaning in mind, is why they could not love each other. They would be a couple doomed from the start. 

No, first of all, to love her, to accept the love he felt for her and to continue to love her, to pursue this love, he first of all needed to accept his humanity back, after casting it away with such thorough effort, because he couldn't function and live the life he chose for himself otherwise and if you would suddenly bring in something like love and the possibility of them being together in all of this it would complicate everything so badly, and make such a mess, and… 

And honestly, what was even the point, and they weren't meant for this anyway, how could he possibly let himself love her when he himself will be the cause of her death, they were just a magus killer and a homunculus, a pair of machines with human appearances and love and emotion was so unnecessary and there were so many reasons to deny themselves this strange thing that has blossomed between them and he could think of more and more and insist on it until she'd understand and accept it reluctantly but he could and all these reasons were very good ones and yet— 

And yet, and yet, _and yet_ \- 

And yet here he is, in a large room that’s just for them, for both of them, while Irisviel lies in her bed, one hand gently holding his, another one at her belly, and on her face is a smile that grows happier and happier with each day. And the life that grows inside of her, not a human life but a life nonetheless, is the proof she presented to him, the fruit of the love that they decided to accept, proof that there is hope. She carries this life with her with the sincere faith that it will bring back to him the hope that he refused himself. 

"We may not have a future, but together we can make one." That is what she told him. "If I can carry your hopes inside my body, and I can one day give birth to an individual that will give you hope... as the one who made it possible, I'll be able to feel proud of and love myself." 

She said that, with such confidence, and in a display of such strength that she impressed him enough to convince him to, in spite of his doubts, to believe in her. 

The doubts that he still has to face. 

"I thought up a name for her." He says, breaking the tranquil silence they have been sitting in until them. "Ilyasviel. Ilya, for short." 

"Ilyasviel?" She says, as though testing the names out, and sounds satisfied. "It's a lovely name. One that matches mine, too!." 

"It's decided, then. Ilyasviel von Einzbern is going to be her name." 

Irisviel nods. Her child is not even born yet, and she is already smiling every day as if in ignorance of the painful truths, but Kiritsugu knows that ignorance isn't it at all. 

"She is not going to be like me." She says, and with such certainty. "She, too, is a woman of Einzbern in the end, of course. But she won't meet the same fate as us." 

_Us_ —that is the word that stands out to him the most. It is what they haven't spoken about yet, not as anything comments that were vague but with subtle implications and references they both understood, not straightforwardly. 

He sits down on the bed, in front of her. With a somber face, he is looking down at his hands, clasped together in his lap, and he can't bring himself to face her."Iri, there's something we need to discuss" 

He takes her silence as understanding, as an invitation to continue. "Acht doesn't see this the same way we do. The reason he agreed to this are completely different from ours. If we fail, she's next in line for taking your role." 

"Yes." Is all that Irisviel says to that; he hears no specific emotion in her tone, but it is not the same voice as that of the doll she was when they first met. She understands. 

"There's no guarantee that we're going to win." He confesses, to her, and to the child that she will bring life to, a doubt that was constantly present-- despite how they hired him for his efficiency, that the way he only takes the option with the highest probability of success is the reason for it. 

"Even if she will have a human life at first, she is a homunculus. Even if she gets freed from the life of an Einzbern creation and gets to keep on living a life of a normal person, there is so much she'll have to struggle with. Her life will never be normal and it won't be easy for her." He fires off, continues on. Slowly he gets to the heart of the matter, tells her what is the worst about, what hurts most, what would kill any parent to think about. "Nine years isn't that long. She won't be with you long. You're not going to be with her long, with both her and me." 

And Irisviel's hands tremble, he can tell, and feels guilty but he has to say it, and from the corner of his eye he can see that she is not smiling her usual serene smile- but she nods. 

"Nine years. That's all the time we have to be together. That's all the time we have. After that…" 

To his surprise, though she trembles and though her newly awakened emotions of love and caring and motherhood must be tearing at her inside at the thought, she does not cry. 

"And after that, even in the best possible scenario, even if what we strive for succeed…Iri, you know, there is so much we can't do anything about. You'll already be…" 

To her surprise, it's him who does so. 

It was the first time he allowed himself to cry in years, and it was the first time she saw him cry. It was the first of many times she would move over and silently hold him, gently but tightly. She was surprised, at first, but then realized, instantly, that for him, it was just as difficult as it was for her- and perhaps even more. She didn't know, and it didn't matter, really; all that did is that he was here and struggling with pain and needed her to be there for him. 

So she held him. She let him cry, gave him time before she spoke up again. 

"Kiritsugu… for your sake and hers, I'll do everything, even if it comes at my own cost. I don't regret it. Everything that I have received- the chance to meet you, to receive everything you've given me, the chance to love you and be with you, to be a human and live a human life, no matter how short, and soon, experience being a mother- these are all enough for me." 

He doesn't respond, but she is fine with that; she does not expect him to, and wonders if he is ashamed of his display of emotions, with the way he refuses to show his face and cover it with his hands so they muffle his sobs, but he doesn't reject or refuse her, and nothing from him suggests he does. 

Then, when he can finally speak, when he seems to have cried enough, "This is the first time I didn't want to lose something this badly. I'm confused, and I don't know what to do about this, Iri, I..." He gulps, and finally, admits, to her and to himself, "I don't want to do this." 

It did not meant that he was planning on taking back his choices, on turning around and completely changing everything, just to be with her, just to do what he wanted. It simply meant that for once, doing something he didn't want made him hesitate. It made him want to consider, but he did not. He was already set on a choice, but the wish to take it back, to do anything to be able to keep her, pained him. 

He wasn't reconsidering his decision. As always, as he had his entire life—he will continue on, knowing he had no choice, in spite of how it might affect him; the emotional effect it had on him and what his emotion told him to do simply did not affect what he was actually deciding to do at all. That was the sort of life he led. But now he discovered it was not so easy to do what he had always done. 

She thought about it, once, considered what she knew about his life in her mind. She told him that it seemed a cruel life, to her. It is much easier to be a machine when you were created that way, when the emotions and humanity you lack were not stripped away from you, but were simply not there in the first place. She, who was created and born that way, couldn't possibly imagine what it was like. He was a human who forcefully turned himself into a machine and threw away everything that made him a person; that was the process of making a human being into a cold and heatless tool. She said to him that from her perceptive, the process looked like something akin to self-torture. It was the same as if she would had forced herself to become the lifeless doll she used to be, and forgotten everything he gave her; the thought was painful to consider. 

Back then he shrugged, and said, "Perhaps, but it is necessary." 

"So I was right. You had no choice." 

He said nothing, and she didn't know whether to take it as confirmation or not. At that time Irisviel discovered that he preferred not to talk about his past before he became the killing machine that would later become known as the infamous Magus Killer. 

And now, what could she say to him now? He did not want someone to offer him a solution, not at this moment. He just needed someone to listen to his confession. Honestly, it always seemed to strange to her, the thought that people might want to say something just for the sake of saying it, that simply speaking of one's troubles might be helpful, but as time passed and Irisviel developed an unusual thing called a heart, she began to understand it. Quite simply, the simple, cold logic she had always followed could not be applied to people's emotions. 

So all she did was what she felt was best; to be there for him as a constantly present reminder, during his lament, that he is not alone. 

"You were right, you know," he tells her, a short time later. "You're so much stronger than me." 

"I never doubted it." She smiles at him. She rises up and softly kisses him on the top of the head. A little smile makes its way into his face, and it was enough for her that she managed to get it out of him. She takes a more comfortable position against the bed, and motions to him, to sit next to her. Kiritsugu does so, but as he sat down he didn't look too comfortable. Irisviel smiled tat him reassuringly, to tell him that he didn't need to do anything and that she just wanted to sit with him, next to him, together in the same peaceful quiet as earlier. 

He's an awkward man in times like these, when it comes to affection and romance. He's hesitant, as if wondering if he should, if he can, if this is even worth a try, if maybe he should just back down before he messes up, when he moves to sit next to her, places a hand on her shoulder; his movements and gestures have no confidence or certainty in them, because really, he doesn't know what he's even doing, he just does what he thinks is right and follows his instincts but that isn't helping at all either, his instincts were honed to help him out in situations other than this; the smile he shows her is small, shaky, weal. He's a clumsy and sloppy lover, hardly the type of man young people dream about marrying when they grow up. There are unrealistic and realistic ideals of partners and husbands, and he is as far from both as he can get. 

To Irisviel, it can't matter less; not because of her upbringing, not because she isn't even aware of such an ideal and had no exposure to stories, nothing to give her an image to compare him to. Not because she knows and understands perfectly well why he has such trouble with it either. It's because the affection he displays so clumsily is nothing but sincere. And he is so careful, so gentle, and she can tell how hard he tries to be. She tells him, half-joking, that he does not need to treat her like she is so fragile; he responds with another one of his small half-smiles. He understands that she is not speaking in all seriousness, but still feels the need to point out, "You know why this is difficult to me." Then he sighs, "Iri, this comes naturally to you, doesn't it? You're already better than this than I am." "Indeed. I've only felt emotions for less than a year and I've already beaten you at how to function with them." 

"Heh… you're right, you've beaten me yet again. It's not fair." 

"You just need to stop trying so hard, and it'll come naturally to you too." Irisviel laughs a little, at the childish way he says it. "But if you find yourself really struggling, I'll just have to teach you, then. You taught me so much that it'll be a way to return the favor." 

"Iri—" He wraps his arms around her, in another awkward attempt at a hug, and tells her. "You taught me a lot already." 

After a short moment of hesitation, as if to consider whether it will be alright, whether he can— he allows himself to bury his face into her hair, and finishes with, "More than you even know."


End file.
